Confederate Flag Kills 9 At Alabama Shopping Mall

Mall surveillance cameras captured the flag assailant sneaking up on shoppers resting on the bed of their truck.
In a tragedy of untold proportions, nine people were murdered this afternoon when a Confederate flag walked into an Alabama mall and started shooting.
According to local reports and people on the ground, the flag entered Galleria Mall in Hoover, AL, outside Birmingham, armed with two AR-15 assault rifles, a Walther PPQ and several hand grenades. It immediately proceeded to unload on mall shoppers.
In addition to the number killed, 36 people were injured and are currently being treated in several emergency centers across the metro area. A fair amount are in critical condition and are not expected to survive.
The motivation of the flag is uncertain at the moment. However, after speaking with witnesses it has been implied the flag did specifically target White people with Northern accents.
“The flag was unstoppable in its rage, it chased us down the hallway screaming ‘Die, Yankees Die!’, said Aidan Kennedy, an accountant originally from New Hampshire, who is currently relocated after his state fell apart. “Luckily we found out flags don’t move very fast, so my wife and I managed to outrun it.”
A housewife from New Jersey, Giovanna Tortolli didn’t come away so lucky. Her legs were both blown off when the flag launched a hand grenade ditectly at her feet.
“It looked directly into my eyes, pulled the pin, and callously lobbed it my way,” she says. “It was so virulently cold-blooded. It was almost as if it weren’t human.”
Soon after it’s prejudiced rampage of carnage, the flag turned the gun on itself, shooting itself in the pole 5 times. Immediately helicoptered to UAB Hospital in Downtown Birmingham, it was pronounced dead on arrival.
As we have been warned for over 150 years, Confederate flags have never been able to be trusted; but increasingly they have been committing mass shootings in the South.
Although mass retailers like Wal-Mart, EBay and Amazon have belatedly banned their sale, the existing stockpile of Confederate flags should be considered armed and extremely dangerous.

Law enforcement have positively ID’d the Flag responsible for the Hoover Mall Massacre, shown above. The man in the photo is believed to be the racist flag’s arms supplier, shown here with an arsenal of weapons. He is to be considered armed and dangerous, and anyone with tips should contact Alabama’s most wanted.
“It’s an extreme tragedy and an obvious hate crime,” says Lenny Shekelshaker, the CEO of the worlds largest retailer and largest user of child slavery in its third world sweat shops, Wal-Mart, “We should have just stopped selling Confederate flags sooner. It was an irresponsible decision by us – think of how many flag-on-human shootings we could have prevented.”

More people terrorized across the South as larger and larger gangs of flags begin to network and hold hostage the local populace.
*Contributions in the field provided by Harvey Cashforgoldstein, who is also an expert on Guatemalan equality, White Privilege, and financial supporter of “Black Lives Matter.”
Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2015 Marcus Cicero

